|Womens' Writes (Tanya's Letters)||Ladylike Help 10b|
I have hundreds more letters like this, that may help in your situation.
Subject: Chloe_please_help! Date: 02 October 2001 00:00
A girl in need Thanks and many kind regards Tanya
1. Why does he do it? A great deal has been written on this subject. No-one really knows, if I did I'd be a rich woman! All social groups of men are affected. Perhaps it is genetic. Perhaps his mother wanted a girl, and kept telling him so. Maybe he was always brought up with girls, and was conditioned to behave like them. Perhaps satin and velvet are just more snuggly than denim and wool! Probably none of the above are conclusive in themselves, it is a combination of factors. Think of the conflict that religion or race have caused, through ignorance. When we stop to think, we know that as with belief or skin colour, many shades are valid. We are none of us 100% male or female. Women are usually about 10% male, and have hormones of the opposite sex both naturally, and from the food we eat. The opposite is also true. One example is that some women have more or stronger hairs on their bodies than others or always wear trousers, but are no less women. Some men eat more foods like tofu, which contains a lot of female hormones, or are really good at knitting, but are of course no less men. It is perfectly possible for a person to be born 60% male, 40% female inside (or even 50-50) without being gay or a freak
2. Can I stop him? 7. Will he ever give it up? No, he will probably try hard go along with your wishes, but he cannot help it, it is part of him.Well you could, but only temporarily. The chances are, you will only make it a big guilty secret. Then neither of you will be happy, and the issue will be unresolved. There is increasing medical evidence that some men really can have a female brain in a male body. A tiny area in the centre of the brain concerned with gender identity (not sex) has been proven to be small in females and those who want to look like them, but large in males. It will therefore be emotionally important to him when he dresses, to feel real as a woman for a time by wearing makeup, false breasts and something to tuck away any masculine bits. But he definitely can't stop himself, even if he promises to, so don't try to make him if you love him, as it is cruel.
3. Can't he have his femininity through me? Have I not been as feminine as I can? I'm sure you have been exactly as you should be. Surely if you weren't feminine enough he wouldn't want to be with you in the first place, and I'm sure he isn't planning to leave unless you want him to! You have a subconscious fear here of inadequacy, but don't worry. You have absolutely nothing to blame yourself for, I do promise you! You must have unconsciously liked certain feminine qualities in him when you met, and there's nothing wrong in that. You know him better than anyone. If your husband was a famous actor and wore makeup to look good in the colour supplements, would that be down to the way you behave? Wouldn't other women be turned on by him, seeing him wearing makeup and strange clothes in another context? And what right has anyone to judge you for someone else's behaviour?
4. Should I stop him or encourage it? Tell him exactly how you feel, calmly and slowly. You may feel frustrated because your life seems no longer safe and as you expected. Restore control by learning that crossdressing is not a threat to your relationship, in fact it can strengthen it. Communicate honestly and both try to compromise, explore facts and feelings, rather than argue. Be prepared to listen carefully to what he has to say.
5. Do I tell others before they find out? You can tell your best friend or counsellor in confidence, but not family. Discuss this with your husband. Ultimately he will benefit from telling close friends and family, but it won't help either of you if he is suddenly front-page gossip, as you might rightly treat a child molester!
6. Should I leave him for a while? This would be counter-productive. It would put off either of you coming to terms with the issue, sow mistrust and make your husband feel like an unloved criminal. It won't stop him dressing in the long term. If he has lied to you about crossdressing, it is to protect your feelings, and shows he really cares about you - surely not a reason for you to think of leaving him, but a cry for your support!
8. Does the desire to crossdress become stronger? It can do, but usually it is there to begin with. When it is no longer repressed and an outlet is provided, it normally increases for a while then drops back to a much lesser level. Remember, crossdressing is still a hobby, not a slippery slope into changing sex - he will never he will never be a woman, he can't contemplate all the pain and inconvenience that a trans-sexual endures. He just feels the compulsion to dress as a woman occasionally.
9. Are transvestites gay? About 1 in 10 men are gay. About 1 in 100 men crossdress. There is no higher proportion of gay transvestites than amongst any other group of men! (Femininity in a man is quite different from the loud but small minority effeminate OTT gay drag queens, in fact most gays are indistinguishable from other men, and heartily disapprove of transvestites for being "straight".)
10. Do I allow him to crossdress in his own home? Why not, it is the safest place for Melissa. Later on there are many safe clubs where "she" can meet others, wives are always welcome too.
11. Are men becoming more feminine? I think there is some truth in this, but give me that anytime, rather than their obsession with war, cars and football! I think it would be more true to say they are becoming more civilised.
The first time I saw my husband dressed was before we were married and we had planned an evening especially for that. When it actually came to it he was more nervous than I was, and I didn't find it too bad, but definitely thought I could help him to look better. Now - about seven years on from that (we have been married for five of those years) I help him with outfits and give him advice on how to look. As far as relating to him when he is dressed I talk to him in exactly the same way and treat him the same. The only thing I wouldn't want to do is make love while he is dressed, though many women like to, and it isn't a problem because he doesn't want to do that either.
We are also lucky because we have been able to tell three of my girlfriends and their partners/husbands and they are not bothered about it at all. One couple in particular who we go on holiday with don't mind if he crossdresses. We have also told his brother and his wife and my brother and his wife with no adverse reaction at all. We haven't told his parents or my Mum (they are both in their 80's so it might be a bit of a shock).
Don't worry about bisexuality. In 99% of cases TV's are completely heterosexual and this is the case with my husband. You usually find that they are very loyal men, especially when they find that you are able to accept their crossdressing. When my husband looks at other women it is usually the outfit they are wearing, not the woman.
As time has gone on I have bought him many outfits and accessories (it is a shame we can't share the clothes as I am a larger size - which is the only thing that bugs me really as he is a perfect size 12). We do, however, share jewellery, handbags, shoes and so on. It is also very handy when you run out of your favourite tights as he always has a spare pair!!.
There is a book called "Geraldine - for the love of a transvestite" which is a true story by Monica Jay. It was made into a film starring Julie Walters and Adrian Pasdar, and it is out on video and DVD, called "Just like a Woman". I am sure that you would both enjoy the film.
Here is one system you might try:
Use a card with a smiley face on one side, and a frown on the other. Or it could be a red spot and a green spot, or whatever you like. Display it somewhere prominent, like on the bedroom door. No-one but you and he will know, that green means it is OK to dress, and red means you want your man back today. Don't tell him when the days are, then you can do as you feel at the time! Use red when you want him to take you out, or are feeling tetchy because it's that time, or the kids or work have given you grief.
Make sure you go out on some of the green days with friends or family, so he doesn't assume he is the only focus of your attention. If he can't compromise and sulks, tell him that is what a little boy does, not a woman. Don't give in, and on some days (red or green), wear something really special and feminine for bed. Say "If you are so feminine too, you will like being submissive to me", and take the lead. Tell him you may now buy him female things, but only to reward good behaviour (don't specify what that is, he knows already).
I hope you are finding my advice at the "Ladylike" website useful. If there is anything you want me to deal with there, I will be happy to do so as best as I can. It is revised whenever I get time. I don't take crossdressing lightly, but I think one has to make a web site light-hearted in order to get anyone to read it! Actually, it is mainly to try to help relieve the stress and shock that inevitably you may be feeling. Do please go to my website again (at the very bottom of this mail) to make sure you have found answers to all of your questions, and if not, do come back to me.
I hope some of this will help, and I wish you a long and happy relationship. You do have a strong character, or you wouldn't be writing to me, so well done for doing that. Do please let me know how you get on, and remember, women are the strong sex emotionally, so no crying - it is him that is a silly big girl's blouse!
Best Wishes from Chloe Springfield "LADYLIKE": Advice for Women with Crossdressing Partners
Subject: Re: Chloe_please_help_2! Date: 10 October 2001 15:28
Thank you very much for your reply to my email message. Your kindness, thoughts and comments are just what I need at the moment in order to to accept my husband crossdressing.
I still have a few more questions which have arisen in the last couple of days but before asking them you stated in your last email the following...
"The first time I saw my husband dressed was before we were married and we had planned an evening especially for that. When it actually came to it he was more nervous than I was, and I didn't find it too bad, but definitely thought I could help him to look better. Now - about seven years on from that (we have been married for five of those years) I help him with outfits and give him advice on how to look. As far as relating to him when he is dressed I talk to him in exactly the same way and treat him the same. The only thing I wouldn't want to do is make love while he is dressed, though many women like to, and it isn't a problem because he doesn't want to do that either."
1. When you planned for your husband to crossdress was it mutual? How did it happen? Was it the first time for him? What was the reason?
2. How do you help him with his outfits? Is it by shopping together or just helping him dress, coordinate his dresses and selection of color etc and makeup application?
3. I have not made love either with my husband crossdress although the thought has cross my mind? You did say many women have done this so would it be strange or kinky to make love to him while he is dress up as a woman and wearing makep?
I have been working hard to come to grips and understand his desire to crossdress and I thank you for your thoughts and the reminder about your website.
The last few days have been very testing for me and before asking for help with s couple of questions I believe I should at least let you know what has happen.
Usually on Sunday's we sleep in but my husband got up earlier without me noticing until he woke me up before leaving to go shopping at the Mall. He was all dressed up in a floral knee length wraparound dress, graphite pantyhose, high heels, wig, makeup and nail polish. He kissed me and said don't worry I just need to get out for a few hours. What could I do and say? He was gone for about three hours but when he got home, he presented me with a bunch of flowers, some chocolates and a beautiful soft polyester fabric halter dress. Definitely I was stunned and the gesture was wonderful. I did notice his femininity was running high and in general his feminine ways were very expressive.
4. Does this happen with CD's alot that they express their femininty while dressed up?
Well all that afternoon he tried on a few different outfits and repainted his nails with one of my nail polishes. I gave in on this one. We did have a long talk about what you suggested in your email and I managed to get agreement that if I did not feel comfortable on any day for my husband to dress as a woman he would respect my wishes and not do so. Yes, a win for the ladies and sanity for me.
My husband has joined a CD/TV club in the neighbouring town and every second Monday night he goes off to the meeting as he calls them. Wives can also attend but I am still yet to go and probably will one day. Lets see. Anyway two of his CD friends dropped in last Monday night to pick him up for the meeting and I was able to meet both of them, Tassy and Michelle. One was married with three children and the other had a girlfriend. They both seem nice and well looked quite stunning in their dresses, hosiery, heels and makeup. Tassy actually swapped his shoes for a pair of my husbands new 5 inch black open toe strappy high heels. It seem like a try before you buy job and I thought to myself that's what my girlfriends and I use to do years ago. Deja vu!! On their return they once again popped in for a coffee and of course Tassy swapped the shoes. So with these two men and my hubby all frocked up we sat around having coffee in the living room chatting like four girlfriends over the durability of pantyhose, long lasting lipsticks and what to carry in our handbags.
5. I am confuse that men would discuss feminine issues even when crossdresses? Is that true? Or has my hubby got tied up in some real feminine guys?
6. How feminine will men become? Is is a quest or some equality fight?
I did get a little concern when in one instance my husband was sitting crosslegged, his dress positioned showing some leg and twirling his high heel on his toe in a real display of feminity than asking Tassy for his handbag. Once receiving it he than got out his lipstick and compact, than proceeded to apply some powder to his checks and nose, and lipstick to his lips. As he put them back in his handbag he tossed his hair back and said "The joys of being a woman, wearing makeup and expressing one's femininity."
7. What do you read into his remarks here? Does he want to become a woman? I have heard many more men today want to become women and have the sex change operation.
Once again I do thank you and really appreciate your help and support via the website and your emails. It is good to have another woman who has experienced and still experiencing her husbands crossdressing and femininity to share her thoughts.
Keep up the good work Chloe as you educate more women to understand why their husbands and men are crossdressing and wearing their dresses.
Warmest regards Tanya
From: Chloe Springfield Subject: Re: Chloe_please_help_2! Date: 13 October 2001 22:13
Glad I could help a bit!
Time, unfortunately doesn't always allow me to answer you as well as I would like. However I will try to deal with each question briefly.
1. I suppose it was mutual, yes. I was curious and a little apprehensive, but I knew he was the one at a disadvantage, as he was seeking my understanding and approval. He had been dressing for years, but his former wife disapproved, so it was a big relief to him that I didn't mind. I had known him for years and we became close friends purely because they gradually drifted apart. His job had moved to another part of the country and he had long commuting to do. Eventually we got together and soon he felt able to tell me all. I wanted to make him look as good as he could, because I didn't want either of us to be embarrassed or worried about him going out in public. Lots of transvestites don't go out in public because they are afraid of how people will react, but if they look good, either people don't notice, or most are too busy going about their own business to really care. If you had lunch in a restaurant and a circus clown sat next to you, you wouldn't be able to help staring at his heavy makeup, red nose, huge trousers and shoes. But if it was a man who looked like a woman, you'd probably think, "That's a man, or else an ugly woman", and get on with your lunch.
2. My husband has the confidence to shop for himself, which a lot of TVs don't. He is quite good really, he knows more than most about co-ordination of clothes and makeup, I am quite envious sometimes. He tends to try to look too young and glamorous for his age sometimes though, making up for a lost female youth perhaps, so I especially help him choose what is best for daytime. TVs don't naturally have the right shape to look good in trousers, so I get him women's business suits or feminine outfits which are a touch pretty, but aren't too girly either. I also get him shoes he can walk in!
3. It is not kinky at all to make love while cross-dressed, it is just my preference not to. Several ladies have written saying they find it very exciting. When you think of the vast numbers who like whipping, tying up their partner or urinating on them (which seems repulsive to me!), I can't see that cross-dressing can be in the same kinky league! Even if your husband liked to wear the all-enveloping Muslim women's outfits (I think not)!
4. I am a little surprised that your husband went to the Mall dressed without warning you. I would have thought he would have been a little careful around you if you are feeling fragile right now. However his heart is clearly in the right place as he bought you several things. I think this experience can bring you closer together, and shows that part of him does inded think like a woman. It does depend on the individual whether they have a "different personality" when crossdressed or not. However it does seem to be quite common for them one they get into "female mode" to be softer and more respectful of real women.
5. I am so glad that you have come to an agreement as I suggested, so that he does not dress on a day when you don't want it. This makes it so much easier and more comfortable for you, well done. Even better that he has joined a club where in practice he can work off a lot of his former frustration, and discuss feminine issues without his male history muting it as inappropriate. At the same time you get to meet a few others like him, without necessarily needing to go with him to the club. You have seen they can be as nice as any real woman, and not all of them (only a few!) look and behave like extras from Planet of the Apes!
6. Who can say whether crossdressing is an equality fight? I think perhaps a little, and there's nothing wrong in equality. But as I say, women will always want to look different from men, so though a few might look androgynous, there will always be those who want to look like the "other" stereotype.
7. No, don't read too much into him expressing himself as "feminine", or his fantasy that being a woman is all wonderful. It is only a tiny minority who have a sex-change, and I'm quite sure that we only hear more about such operations because they are now more publicised and possible, not because the actual need for them is increasing. Transvestites and transsexuals are distinct types, it's not a question of people progressing from one to the other.
Hope you feel more reassured.
Love from Chloe "LADYLIKE": Advice for Women with Crossdressing Partners
To: Chloe Springfield Subject: Chloe_please_help3! Date: 07 November 2001 13:51
Once again thanks for your email last month. Since than a few interesting things have developed with my husband and our relationship.
My husband has been going to the CD/TV meetings on a regular basis and this has made me a little curious. In fact one event a week or so ago prompted me to action and also to ask to attend one of the meetings to check it out.
I came home from work a little earlier than normal on the night that my husband gets ready and goes off to the CD/TV meeting. On arriving home I found three other men (women?? by the time I saw them) all finishing off their makeup application, nail polish and stepping into high heels. The loungeroom was littered with spare pairs of stockings, nylons, tights, dresses, skirts, high heels, handbags, wigs, makeup kits and perfume bottles. Believe me Chloe these guys were so stunning and elegant looking it was just amazing. One of them was actually a trained makeup artist and was also in retail. My husband was just so elegant and feminine in a long red and black chiffon evening dress with a halter neckline, sheer black tights, stilettoe's and the makeup to complement. Talk about a makeover.
The event was a special dinner for seven new members who had joined the club in October. The femininity in this room was just amazing and it really hit home to me that these guys and my hubby just love this crossdressing and being women for a while.
Q1). From your experience is this the case that a group of men crossdressing can be like women? Is this okay and healthy? Should I worry about this?
Well, as they all departed for the girls night out my husband caught me and said sorry and said he didn't expect me home so early and said we would have been gone. With this elegant lady standing in front of me what could I say. I said don't be silly you gorgeous looking woman go and have a good time. WIth a kiss to the side of his face so not to disturb his lipstick and a pat on his dress around his bottom I than said I will be accompanying you to next weeks meeting.
Q2). Chloe was that a good move to say I would come to the next CD meeting with my husband? Is giving him praise etc giving in to his crossdressing? Going to the club meeting to check outthe scene is this also giving in to him?
Q3). What do you think of the other men coming around and changing before going out?
Q4). Does it seem my husband is getting to heavy into this crossdressing and not asking me for consent?
Q5). How have you handled the fact that one half of me says hey this crossdressing by my husband is not to bad, well lets make peace and let he do it and the other half wants him to stop it?
Looking forward to your great comments.
Lady coming to terms with her hubby's dressing.
Warm regards and hugs Tanya
_________________________________________________________________From: Chloe Springfield Subject: Re: Chloe_please_help3! Date: 13 November 2001 22:24
Lovely to hear from you again with the latest news.
Whereas a group of men dressed as women together may not be exactly like women, they certainly are a lot more like us than usual, which is no bad thing!
1) You ask if this is healthy, well I never heard of anyone becoming ill by it! Seriously, though, I can't see any problem, if it makes them happy, then why not. I think men fall into a more female mode when crossdressed, and then having come to the end of the evening, carry forward happy feelings into their frustrating regular male lives next day. I think too that because they feel emotion in a feminine way, they understand the vulnerability not only of real women, but of those who are new club members, who they want to help.
2) It is good to go with him to a meeting or two, it's the only way to see what it's really like and maybe meet other wives. Far from giving in to him, you are free to check up on him if you want. You are simply sharing another part of his/her life, and need only do so as far as you want to. By praising him, you are building his loyalty and love to you, and he will want to respect your wishes, when you tell him would rather he didn't wear a halter-neck dress today!
3) It is easy to overlook the fact that the other men may have had no choice but to change away from their homes. Maybe they either haven't admitted the truth to their wives, or feel more confident changing in the company of understanding people, than perhaps leaving home under the stony glare of neighbours, and braving the uncertain reaction of a minority of the public.
4) Your husband loves crossdressing, but he still puts you first by "protecting" you from his friends, trying to have left before you appear, just in case one of them should be embarrassing. In effect he is constantly asking for your consent, and indeed approval. He won't expect or require it every day though, often he will just be his ordinary old self.
5) This probably requires a whole book to answer! One can delve too deeply into why, how and so on. I suppose I handle it by saying to myself he is still the same person I married, he hasn't changed, but just is. I think it depends on the individual to what extent there are two different sides of a personality. Physically he is male, so whether dressed as my husband or sister, he/she is my closest friend either way. I think one measure of a good woman is whether she behaves as a lady. Similarly I know that my husband is a gentleman, and so in female mode, I can totally trust him. I know he will be ladylike.
Your husband is lucky to know someone who is a makeup artist, but more so of course, he is lucky to have you. I'm sure he knows this and appreciates you even more now.
Love from Chloe "LADYLIKE": Advice for Women with Crossdressing Partners
To: Chloe Springfield Subject: Chloe_please_help4! Date: 21 November 2001 16:04
Once again thanks for the last email. I really do appreciate your quick response and encouragement with my situation.
My husband has now moved his crossdressing habit to a more regular pattern and I am a little concern with this change but as you have said to me before try and communicate and unserstand him.
He is now going to work with painted toe nails, wearing pantyhose under his socks and trousers, panties and a bra under his shirt minus the padding.
Q) I do not think this is a good idea but I cannot change his approach.. Is this common and How should I approach this recent happening?
Q) He wants to crossdress each night after work? Should I let him?
The strain of this is beginning to show on me where I am beginning to not groom and dress myself as feminine as I use to.
Q) What future harm can this be for me?
Q) The club he has join organises weekends away and my husband is talking about going away now with the club. My understanding is that they go to another city and dress up all weekend as a woman, experimenting with fashion, makeup and being feminine. How harmful is this? It seems it is becoming a way of life with him?
I have notice two of his new friends from the club when they are all dress up to the nines they becoming very feely, touchy and close. Could my husband be developing gay tendencies around these guys or women?? I am confused, please help with your comments here.
This week I have cried two nights and not sure what to do.
Q) Should I tell my sister about all this. Perhaps she can give some wisdom as her girlfriend's husband crossdressers and she has heard a loyt about them.
Apreciate your concern Regards and many hugs Tanya
From: Chloe Springfield Subject: Re: Chloe_please_help4! Date: 25 November 2001 14:57
Thank you again for your interesting questions. I hope I am some encouragement and help for you.
It sounds like your husband, having (rightly) been given permission to indulge his feminine side, is now forgetting that he still has to put you first, and offer you the full respect you deserve.
The pattern of his crossdressing will settle down. I think he is asserting his (masculine!) need to think he dominates your relationship, and kicking back against possible previous repression. It should not be necessary for him to wear feminine things under his clothes to work, if he has the opportunities now to dress that we have talked about. I think that will cease in time. Having said that, it is not doing you any harm, as long as no-one there knows, and I can understand that if he paints his toenails, he may not want to keep removing and replacing the colour, every time he has to go to work. Maybe you could suggest a subtle colour to make it less noticeable (say that it's more feminine to be delicate and not too obvious, he can paint over and remove for parties). Let him wear girly panties but claim that he shouldn't wear a bra to work because "people can clearly see its outline" or some such excuse.
I don't think you should let him crossdress every night. Once or twice a week by all means, but no more. You are entitled to have your husband back regularly and frequently. "She" is fine, but you must tell him clearly that you want to see "him" often, and have a right to do so. You have been reasonable, now you must agree between yourself, exactly how HE is going to be reasonable. If he thinks he can browbeat you to only live his way, you will feel depressed because you aren't being heard.
I am sure you look just fine even without any beauty help, don't let there be competition between you. The future harm for you may be the loss of your self-worth, and that is down to him to bolster. In his desire to look great himself, he probably forgets to compliment and appreciate you enough. He can only realise what a good wife he has, if he is constantly aware of how fortunate he is to be able to go up to the limits YOU set him.
The club weekends away will be very helpful for him, and you need not worry about that. Again, everything in proportion, I would expect him to go maybe twice a year, no more. It will always be a part of his life which he will thoroughly enjoy, but only a part - he has to come to terms with that, and value his life as a man. You cannot do that for him, but you can certainly warn him that the more touchy-feely female role carries with it the aura of female sexual vulnerability, which can put him at increased risk both of attack, and advances from men, some of whom (however dressed) will not be straight. Tell him you trust him, but to be on his guard (possibly against a specific person?). Tell him very clearly (half-joking) that if he does ever do anything, then he won't get to do anything again with you!
As your sister has some indirect experience with crossdressing, yes please tell her, I'm sure it will give you more support and can compare notes. I would be interested to know what she says, and how her girlfriend has coped with her husband, do please let me know if you get the chance. Who knows, maybe her girlfriend would like my website address (please note slightly changed to that below).
By the way, I have been thinking about quoting some letters and replies on my website, to give some idea of the typical woman-to-woman reply that wives might expect. May I use yours (no address or full name of course)?
Have a little chocolate right now, they say it really does give you a feeling of wellbeing!
Hugs, love from Chloe "LADYLIKE": Advice for Women with Crossdressing Partners
To: Chloe Springfield Subject: Re: Chloe_please_help4! Date: 01 December 2001 02:30
Thank you for the last response to my email. I have been out of town with work assisting and opening up another store for womens accessories. You can use my letters for your website if you believe it will help other women in my situation with their husbands crossdressing.
Thank you once again and I will be in touch.
Warm regards Tanya
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